5 Sep 2008 3:22 AM

Well as they say, I been there, seen it done it and got the tee-shirt !
Just arrived back in England after six weeks of eye-popping sights and experiences in Australia and the Far East.

Melbourne was a lot colder and wetter than I remember for the middle of July but it didn't interfere with meeting old friends and seeing new additions to their families. It was also good to see my old stamping grounds and tell my kids the edited version of what Dad used to get up to before they were born !

Four days in Hong Kong was all my wallet could handle because I reckon my wife and daughters bought clothes and shoes from every shop in Kowloon. "But dad it's so cheap here, look at all the money we're saving....."

Our last five weeks was spent in the Philippines where my wife comes from, so at least we have our own little place there, but again because everything is so cheap it prompted a mega shopping spree by the girls, who were offended to the bone when I suggested they could perhaps wear an outfit for more than one day. Seemingly clothes lose their appeal the day after the price tag comes off, and being a mere man I didn't know this. I (along with the pair of shoes I've worn for four years) have now been educated.!!

The Philippines is made up of over 7000 islands. It is a tropical paradise populated by mostly poor but always happy and friendly people. There are so many different dialects spoken that they have to have a national language (Tagalog) and fortunately for me English is their second language due to having been an American colony from 1898 to 1946.

Everything is mingled.....the rich live side by side with the poor, eating the same food but more of it. In the big cities it is not unusual to see water buffalo pulling handmade wooden carts and completely oblivious to the modern city traffic trying to weave around them. One of the first sights I saw on arrival at Davao City was a man pedalling a tricycle with open sidecar on which three large pigs were enjoying the view. By the time I had fumbled for my camera the scene was gone, but only to be replaced by a large open jeep (Jeepney) overloaded as is standard practice here, and with extra passengers and luggage on the roof sharing the space with a billy-goat who had positioned himself atop a pile of banana boxes.!!

Our whole holiday was filled with similar sights and experiences. We are lucky to have friends and relatons who work for the local government in the Mayor's Office, including Eddie, the Chief of Police, who seemed to spend most of his time sitting on our patio playing Mahjong (a Mahjong session usually lasts anything from four to ten hours) sometimes in full uniform and sometimes in shorts and tee shirt. Eddie doesn't believe in using our toilet.....he urinates against the wall of the patio.....the inside wall !! He gave me one of his police hats as a souvenir because he knew I liked things like that, so as far as I'm concerned he can pee on the patio anytime. !!

I'm going to stop now because there are so many visions and memories popping into my head I feel my brain may boil over.
If ever you get the chance go to the Philippines, you wont regret it.

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8 Jun 2008 10:58 AM

I've been more or less grounded due to the current cost of diesel. Have to try and make sure my trips to town cover all eventualities, no more Sunday drives to the coast to watch the sun set. This could mess up the annual Mackerel fishing season which is due in a week or two, as I normally make two or three trips per week to stock the freezer up for the year.

My time hasn't been wasted though as I've been doing quite a bit of writing, unpaid but profitable in other ways, for example I have gained permission on two new farms to search their land with my metal detector. This has come to pass due to an illustrated article I wrote a couple of months ago about our local history. Since then I have received several requests to see my collection of coins and artifacts, and to mount a display. Hopefully this will lead to more landowners offering me the freedom of their land.

Today was spent sorting through thousands of objects that needed to be put into some sort of date order. Not a quick job, as I kept getting sidetracked into cleaning and waxing and peering through a magnifying glass. My day was made when I came across a chunky coin-shaped piece of bronze that was so pitted and oxidized there appeared to be no image on it.

Experience has taught me not to give up easily. It took the best part of four hours, using every trick in the book, to eventually uncover a perfect bust of Marcus Aurelius Caesar on the front, and the Roman god Jupiter on the reverse. This large coin, called a 'Sestertius' is second century AD .....and I dug it up only about 500 yards from my home ! I've dug up dozens of good coins over the years, many of them silver, but the thrill of the find never diminishes, if anything it has increased, and sometimes I am fortunate enough to contribute another piece to the jigsaw of history.

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17 Apr 2008 6:03 AM

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he drove to town and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, though, the items got mixed up.

      Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package with the panties in it and sent it to his sweetheart along with the following note: 'I chose these because I noticed that you're not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.'

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3 Apr 2008 8:41 AM

It's now five months since I shed my shackles and joined the swelling ranks of retired gentlefolk. I had this idea of running a small poster business from home, but I should have known better; I have about as much business sense as a battery hen and I don't like taking money from people. As a result I was almost giving things away, which upset my wife and made me angry at being told by friends that I should charge more than I was willing to.

To make matters worse, almost every electrical appliance in the house decided to retire too.....the computer went first, followed by the freezer and washing machine, which encouraged the video recorder and electric shower to come out in sympathy !! On top of all this my 18 year old daughter passed her driving test and needed a car (plus insurance, tax etc) so my 'lump sum' has taken a severe battering.

Fortunately I've managed to pay for the four of us to have one last big holiday together; and so we will be off in mid July for six weeks; two days in Hong Kong, one week in Melbourne (Mornington Peninsula, Rosebud) to show the girls my old stamping ground and meet my old mates, and a month in the Philippines where my wife comes from, (I won her in a raffle about 25 years ago but don't know if she has appreciated in value, although her drawers are original) !!

I haven't visited 'Over Fifties' or rather the 'Hen House' as Winner calls it (good one Winner) for ages. Thought I'd let the dust settle a bit because of all the petty friction that was going on at the time. Must admit I agree with some about the degree of censorship. There are a few four-letter words that are very mild, and used in the right context convey the original feeling of the writer in a non abusive manner.

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25 Feb 2008 7:41 AM

>
> A Message from John Cleese
>
>
>
> To: The citizens of the United States of
> America:
>
>
>
> In light of your failure to nominate competent
> candidates for President of the USA and thus to
> govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> revocation of your independence, effective
> immediately.
>
>
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
> resume monarchical duties over all states,
> commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas which
> she does not fancy).
>
>
>
> Our new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will
> appoint a governor for America without the need for
> further elections.
>
>
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
>
>
>
> A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
> determine whether any of you noticed.
>
>
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown
> Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
> immediate effect:
>
>
>
> You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
> English Dictionary.
>
>
>
> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the
> pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
> wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
>
>
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
> such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
> will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
> half the letters and the suffix -ize will be
> replaced by the suffix -ise.
>
>
>
> Generally, you will be expected to raise your
> vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up
> 'vocabulary').
>
>
>
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words
> interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
> "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
> of communication.
>
>
>
> There is no such thing as US English. We will
> let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
> spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of
> the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -
> ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,
> God Save the Queen.
>
>
>
> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
> holiday.
>
>
>
> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues
> without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The
> fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
> shows that you're not adult enough to be
> independent.
>
>
>
> Guns should only be handled by adults. If
> you're not adult enough to sort things out without
> suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
> you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
>
>
> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
> own or carry anything more dangerous than a
> vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
> wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
>
>
> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They
> are crap and this is for your own good. When we
> show you German cars, you will understand what we
> mean. Holden Monaros are also approved.
>
>
>
> 8. All intersections will be replaced with
> roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
> with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
> go metric with immediate effect and without the
> benefit of conversion tables.
>
>
>
> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
> understand the British sense of humour.
>
>
>
> 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on
> petrol (which you have been calling
> gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
>
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those
> things you call French fries are not real chips,
> and those things you insist on calling potato chips
> are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
> cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with
> catsup but with vinegar.
>
>
>
> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on
> calling beer is not actually beer at all.
> Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
> referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
> accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
>
>
>
> South African beer is also acceptable as they
> are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
> earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are
> also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did
> for them.
>
>
>
> American brands will be referred to as
> Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
> without risk of further confusion.
>
>
>
> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to
> cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will
> also be required to cast English actors to play
> English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell
> attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
> Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
> removed with a cheese grater.
>
>
>
> 13. You will cease playing American football.
> There is only one kind of proper football; you call
> it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
> be allowed to play rugby (which has some
> similarities to American football, but does not
> involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
> wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of
> nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and
> Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash
> us.
>
>
>
> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball.
> It is not reasonable to host an event called the
> World Series for a game which is not played outside
> of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
> there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
> understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
> let you face the South Africans first to take the
> sting out of their deliveries.
>
>
>
> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been
> driving us mad.
>
>
>
> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax
> collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be
> with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due (backdated to 1776).
>
>
>
> 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm
> with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality
> biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
> season.
>
>
>
> *God Save the Queen.*
>
>
>
> Only He can.
>
>
>
> John Cleese
>
>

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