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25 Feb 2008 7:41 AM

>
> A Message from John Cleese
>
>
>
> To: The citizens of the United States of
> America:
>
>
>
> In light of your failure to nominate competent
> candidates for President of the USA and thus to
> govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> revocation of your independence, effective
> immediately.
>
>
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
> resume monarchical duties over all states,
> commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas which
> she does not fancy).
>
>
>
> Our new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will
> appoint a governor for America without the need for
> further elections.
>
>
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
>
>
>
> A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
> determine whether any of you noticed.
>
>
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown
> Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
> immediate effect:
>
>
>
> You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
> English Dictionary.
>
>
>
> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the
> pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
> wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
>
>
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
> such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
> will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
> half the letters and the suffix -ize will be
> replaced by the suffix -ise.
>
>
>
> Generally, you will be expected to raise your
> vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up
> 'vocabulary').
>
>
>
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words
> interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
> "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
> of communication.
>
>
>
> There is no such thing as US English. We will
> let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
> spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of
> the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -
> ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,
> God Save the Queen.
>
>
>
> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
> holiday.
>
>
>
> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues
> without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The
> fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
> shows that you're not adult enough to be
> independent.
>
>
>
> Guns should only be handled by adults. If
> you're not adult enough to sort things out without
> suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
> you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
>
>
> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
> own or carry anything more dangerous than a
> vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
> wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
>
>
> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They
> are crap and this is for your own good. When we
> show you German cars, you will understand what we
> mean. Holden Monaros are also approved.
>
>
>
> 8. All intersections will be replaced with
> roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
> with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
> go metric with immediate effect and without the
> benefit of conversion tables.
>
>
>
> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
> understand the British sense of humour.
>
>
>
> 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on
> petrol (which you have been calling
> gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
>
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those
> things you call French fries are not real chips,
> and those things you insist on calling potato chips
> are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
> cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with
> catsup but with vinegar.
>
>
>
> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on
> calling beer is not actually beer at all.
> Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
> referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
> accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
>
>
>
> South African beer is also acceptable as they
> are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
> earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are
> also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did
> for them.
>
>
>
> American brands will be referred to as
> Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
> without risk of further confusion.
>
>
>
> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to
> cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will
> also be required to cast English actors to play
> English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell
> attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
> Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
> removed with a cheese grater.
>
>
>
> 13. You will cease playing American football.
> There is only one kind of proper football; you call
> it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
> be allowed to play rugby (which has some
> similarities to American football, but does not
> involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
> wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of
> nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and
> Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash
> us.
>
>
>
> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball.
> It is not reasonable to host an event called the
> World Series for a game which is not played outside
> of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
> there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
> understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
> let you face the South Africans first to take the
> sting out of their deliveries.
>
>
>
> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been
> driving us mad.
>
>
>
> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax
> collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be
> with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due (backdated to 1776).
>
>
>
> 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm
> with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality
> biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
> season.
>
>
>
> *God Save the Queen.*
>
>
>
> Only He can.
>
>
>
> John Cleese
>
>

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