12 Jul 2008 12:26 PM

TRUE STORY
Black Robbers?

For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story...) On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.
But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. ' I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze .
Her first thought was:
'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move.
Panic consumed her. 'My God,' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! 'Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.' Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.
Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.' The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, 'I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?
She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.
The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.'

It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

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10 Jul 2008 4:54 PM

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bath tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs give him the good news and apologise. As she opened the bathroom
door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying
his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, WOMAN - DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

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5 Jul 2008 12:20 PM

Anyone here into Feng Shui (pron. Fung Shway apparently). Well, Mrs Ozz is, and some time ago she bought this three-legged toad, ugly little character that, for some mystical reason, has a coin in its mouth. Now, I'm an open-minded kind of a guy, I'll listen to most things and give them a fair hearing...but...when Mrs O told me that placing this new addition to the Ozz household in a spot where it would be close to the entrance door and facing into the house "will bring us fortune and prosperity" which she said with the trusting look of a true believer - "yeah right!!" was my somewhat cynical retort.
So this little guy, whose name is Chan Chu apparently (probably chinese for "so long sucker") sat in his appointed spot and was the very first thing that greeted me each time I walked into the house. I'll swear there was a permanent smirk on his wrinkled little face, or maybe it was the way he was biting that coin like he wouldnt ever let go.
Then came that fateful night when our hero, Ozz, came home somewhat the worse for drink, after watching a memorable game of football with his equally inebriated son-in-law (those friends from Queensland and New South Wales will know which game I'm talking about). For some unknowable reason I became... what's the word...disoriented. Lost my bearings, and my balance, and fell in a chuckling heap on the floor. Unfortunately, in my rapid descent, I inadvertently dislodged the toad from his perch and, being ceramic, he paid the ultimate price.
It didn't help when Mrs Ozz appeared from the bedroom (it was quite late) and beheld her beloved gurgling on the floor surrounded by pieces of busted toad.
"Don't worry sweetheart, I'll get you another" ("Not" I thought heh heh).
Here's the thing, since that happened, my car has broken down (big bucks), my daughter has required medical treatment (nothing serious) that will cost me dear and I've realise that my tax refund will only be half of what I estimated....!!!!
So after I've finished this little item, I'm off to the Mystical Superstore to find another 3-legged toad (with coin siutably attached) which I shall personally dust and polish every day!!
OK gotta go before the stores close....bye
Cheers
Ozz

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29 Jun 2008 12:08 PM

Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your sound advice in my previous blog, however, I have hatched a fiendishly clever plan to avert the incursion of more Tupperware into the now-vacant cupboard...I plan to install a few 6-packs of beer, some selected back-isues of Sports Illustrated, various jars of assorted bolts, nuts and washers, my collection of vinyl albums from 1961 onwards and 6 months supply of pretzels....that should do it!!
Man the barricades boys!!!....they shall not pass!!!....hahaha

(Note..I have solved a mystery..someone typed hugdriver a while ago, that should have read s-c-r-e-w-driver....the dreaded wordbot strikes again).

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28 Jun 2008 3:49 PM

I did it boys, I actually did it!!
As part of the rejuvenation of our kitchen (see previous ad naseam blogs) I organised a daring, one-man, covert action to infiltrate behind enemy lines and eliminate part of their infrastructure.
Under cover of darkness, in the late hours of the evening and using my son's glowing Micky Mouse watch as a light source, I snuck into the kitchen (single file) and established the whereabouts of the objectives..left-hand bench, cupboard 3, both shelves.
With frightening speed I overpowered the targets and secured them in an unmarked, extra strength garbage bag which I expedited to the wheelie bin (Recycling). I then avoided detection by enemy radar by returning to the house via the rear patio-door......mission accomplished.
All was quiet for the remainder of the night, however the quiet pf the morning air was shattered by the alarm cry of "WHERE'S ALL OF MY TUPPERWARE GONE???"
Yes my friends, that scourge of husbands everywhere, that unsolvable mystery of "which lid goes with this one?", that constantly shifting and unstackable mass of coloured plastic has been eradicated from Ozzville. 
However, I did notice Mrs Ozz reading some literature the other night which appeared to contain the words party-plan in a number of places, so maybe the battle is won, but the war still rages on....stand by for further despatches

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