19 Aug 2008 7:23 PM

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there special reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Anyone...anyone....????

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14 Aug 2008 2:08 PM

This blew me away...so clever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUDIoN-_Hxs

Cheers
Ozz

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8 Aug 2008 7:30 AM

OK...I'm gonna be the first with an Olympic post.
All you Aussies...on your feet shouting...:

Aussie - Aussie - Aussie
Oi Oi Oi
Aussie - Aussie - Aussie
Oi Oi Oi
Aussie
Oi
Aussie
Oi
Aussie - Aussie - Aussie
Oi Oi Oi

Here's to a fantastic feast of competition.

Cheers
Ozz

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5 Aug 2008 8:29 PM

I'm an ordinary bloke, I have simple pleasures , one of them being the time I spend stumbling around in cyberspace. So imagine my surprise when I sat down one fine and sunny morning armed with that first, all-important, heart-starting cup of coffee with the sole intent of reading my emails and catching up on a few sports results only to find that my beloved laptop wasn't speaking to me.

What did I do?, was it something I said?...Why?? after all this time...we used to be so close.. Then I realised, a virus had invaded my little corner of this ever expanding cyber-universe, a virus so malicious it had evaded all of the sand bags and barricades I had erected, to effectively shut down my entire system.

I was left with no alternative...the word reboot figured very heavily in my stars and I was forced to go searching through piles of music cds to find the 'System Regeneration' cd which I had seen many times but never thought I'd need. Having found this holy grail I nervously inserted it into the drive (as per the instructions) and waited for the inevitable.

It was as if a fire had swept through the house. Photos, letters, emails all gone...I know, I know...I should have backed up more often, but I'm about as organised with my computer as I am with my garden shed. I know where everything is...it just takes me a little while to find things.

Then I had to go hunting around for all of those scraps of paper with various registration numbers and obscure passwords on them for software that I had installed.
Anyway..(and nobody is more surprised than me) the laptop is now up and running again (which is a blinding flash of the obvious because I wouldn't be typing this if it wasn't!!) and now I find myself reflecting after the dust has settled on the whole exercise.

OK...I will now be backing my files up a little more systematically and I will be beefing up my security software BUT, and here's the thing...why should I have to??...who are these maniacs that spend hour upon hour feverishly typing line after line of computer code with the express intention of destroying my holiday pics and my wife's recipe for Mexican Chicken. They obviously have a ton of expertise as far as computer programming is concerned but I tell you what...they need a serious kick up the pants in terms of "getting a life". They are cyber-muggers, PC-driven vandals who should stick to spraying things on the side of railway trucks rather than invading my privacy for no other reason than proving that they can do it!!

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12 Jul 2008 12:26 PM

TRUE STORY
Black Robbers?

For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story...) On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.
But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. ' I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze .
Her first thought was:
'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move.
Panic consumed her. 'My God,' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! 'Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.' Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.
Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.' The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, 'I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?
She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.
The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.'

It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

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