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#331
03-11-2009, 05:27 PM
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There's an ass for every seat.....
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#333
04-02-2009, 08:07 PM
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It's such a fine line between stupid...and clever.
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#338
08-31-2009, 07:23 AM
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Never make an "assumption", cause you usually make an "a*s" of yourself!!!
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#339
09-28-2009, 10:42 PM
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Fewest Words
sweet you said a mouth full that not to many words lol
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#340
10-19-2009, 12:44 PM
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No wonder kids are ashamed of the truth.
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a Gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.' The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?' 'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'
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#343
10-20-2009, 09:57 AM
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Simplest Truths In Fewest Words:
WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS...
These glorious insults are from an era BEFORE the English language got boiled down to 4-LETTER WORDS... The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker uncl "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx (I hope there are a few here you haven't heard before...I know Thumper posted at least the last one in one of his blogs I read, and probably more.) Last edited by *sophia* : 10-20-2009 at 01:40 PM.
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#344
10-20-2009, 04:52 PM
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Sophia;
All of them are gems! I saved them to my collection. Now I'm going to have to post a few myself... lol
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#345
10-20-2009, 05:51 PM
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Insights, Insults & Idiocy
Here's a few comments that always make me smile...
Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law. - Sholom Aleichem I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles. - Jack London He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty. - Thomas P. Gore And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. - Spike Milligan She was the kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you with nothing but peanuts and filberts. - Raymond Chandler She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. - Joan Rivers You're a parasite for sore eyes. - Gregory Ratoff There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - Jack E. Leonard We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. - Ashleigh Brilliant Another victory like that and we are done for. - Pyrrhus Awards are like hemorrhoids; sooner or later every a**hole gets some. - Frederic Raphael Every great thinker is someone else's moron. - Umberto Eco I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a member of the human race. That's bad enough for me. - Mark Twain I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. - W.C. Fields If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in. - Matt Groening Disrespect cannot be commanded, it must be earned. - Mat Taberner The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. - George Bernard Shaw Nuclear weapons could destroy all life on earth, if used properly. - David Byrne Last edited by Thumper133 : 10-20-2009 at 05:58 PM.
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#346
11-05-2009, 01:25 PM
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OK,, my turn:
Robert Kennedy The greatest truth must be recognition that in every man, in every child is the potential for greatness. Confucious Three things cannot long be hidden the sun, the moon, and the truth. Dogen If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it? Thanks to Josette Champagne. Susan Sontag Lying is the most simple form of self-defence. Albert Schweitzer Truth has not special time of its own. Its hour is now—always and indeed then most truly when it seems unsuitable to actual circumstances. Martin Luther King I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle ... when you have eliminated the impossible, that which remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Boris Pasternak What is laid down, ordered, factual is never enough to embrace the whole truth: life always spills over the rim of every cup. Malcolm X I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it's for or against. H.L. Mencken Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. Proverb Truth fears no trial. Charles Colton The greatest friend of truth is time, her greatest enemy is prejudice, and her constant companion humility. John VII And ye shall know the truth,and the truth shall make you free. Unknown The ability to ask questions is the greatest resource in learning the truth. Carl Jung We should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect; we apprehend it just as much by feeling. Therefore, the judgement of the intellect is, at best, only the half of truth, as must, if it be honest, also come an understanding of its inadequacy. Oscar Wilde The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. Robert M. Pirsig It is a puzzling thing. The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away, I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away. Puzzling. Harry Truman I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.
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