There are a couple of guys in my breakfast group who have faced some tough issues: One is a lawyer whose firm's reputation has been severely tested by a partner who embezzled many clients of millions of dollars. Ripping off people with no thought to their situation ... the life-savings of the elderly, charitable trusts... purely to satisfy his own desires. Despite being caught, tried, convicted, sent to prison and since released the man still exists with no visible signs of remorse living comfortably off the funds he safely protected in a trust fund.
How does one begin to forgive a man like that ?
The other guy in our group lost his only brother last year. They did everything together. They complimented each other, their individual talents cohesively building an impressive pioneering business. His brother was a good friend of mine. He died because allegedly an electrician wired their holiday home wrong. With his mother looking on Ross was electrocuted when he plugged in the washing machine.
How does one begin to forgive someone making a mistake such as that ?
But forgiveness is vital - for two main reasons:
(1) Of course it allows healing to occur in a broken relationship between two people and,
(2) forgiveness allows healing to occur within ourselves - to allow us to set aside any bitterness or anger that can build up and destroy us - tear us down - in the years to come - in our sixties,seventies, and eighties.
And forgiveness has two parts: one of extending forgiveness to those who have wronged us, and the other to then seek forgiveness from those we have wronged.
Nikki and I are endeavouring to teach Natasha the skill of seeking forgiveness using a 3 part process.
How we need to firstly recognise our wrong action and to be specific about it.
Secondly, that we need to apologise for our wrong action.
And finally seek forgiveness from the person we've wronged.
I find that it's as we try to teach our kids, to be a model to them, that we grow ourselves. I've shared that with you before.
Well, let me tell you a story that stretched my patience as I endeavoured to practice forgiveness towards another person who rubbed me up the wrong way. My brother wasn�t killed, and I didn't lose my life savings but it helped me to prevent a potential conflict from getting worse.
We have a 10% share in some land at Opoutere. Opoutere is an exquisite secluded holiday spot between Pauanui in the north and Whangamata in the south. With no road access the metro magazine coined it "New Zealand's best kept secret". The beach is 5 kilometres long and the sand is as white as sugar crystals. It squeaks under your bare feet when you walk. Our 10 acre section is 2 minutes walk from the beach. We have created a holiday haven, away from the maddening crowd, and we camp nestled under a canopy of pine trees, which give year round shelter from the wind and hot summer sun.
I'd organised to have our shed removed from the section and arranged to meet a hiab driver at 7.30 Saturday morning. Natasha and I drove down Friday night in the van. When we arrived I was horrified to find our way to the shed blocked by trees which had been chainsawed to the ground. Trees were everywhere. There was no way the Hiab truck could get close. I realised I'd have to cancel the truck so drove 5 km back to the one and only phone in the area.
We were unable to contact the Hiab driver. So Nikki did some investigative work and managed to track down the guy doing the tree-felling. She told me he was pretty angry that she had called him so late at night.
7.30 Saturday morning the Hiab truck arrived on schedule.
An hour later the logging guy arrived in this great big ten wheeler truck, piggy backing a huge six wheeler trailer unit.
I casually walked up to greet him. "Gidday, mate" I said with a smile.
"Don't you ________ mate me !" he shouted. He was an angry man.
"Don't you come anywhere near me
How dare you call me at 10.00 o'clock at night to come down here to sort out your _______ up !!" "Get out of my way !"
And with that said along with some foul language he pushed me to one side and stormed off.
Natasha's eyes were like golf-balls. She'd never experienced anything like this guy before. He was a giant of a man wearing the traditional kiwi black woollen singlet, khaki shorts and huge metal toe-capped boots. And boy, was he mad.
Then you had to watch him work to believe it - what he did next. He jumped into this big yellow digger, started 'er up, and drove over to the big rig. He grabbed hold of the huge trailer unit and simply dragged it off the back of the truck. Thump. Bang. Crash. The trailer unit was now sitting behind the ten wheeler.
I don't know about you but I have trouble lifting our little car trailer and hitching it onto the back of the car.
This guy jumped down from the yellow digger, went to the front of the trailer unit, heaved the massive towbar onto his shoulders (which must weigh a ton) and adroitly dropped it perfectly onto the tow unit of the truck. It was amazing to watch. This guy was incredible and straight away I had a growing respect for his size and strength.
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I decided this was "a teachable moment"
So I turned to Natasha and said, "Now see how this guy is so angry. Did you hear the mean things he said to us and how he pushed Daddy ? " Natasha was still in shock, she couldn't speak, so just frantically nodded her head up and down. "Well, it's important we don't get angry. We don't want him to ruin our day do we? " Natasha shook her head sadly. As far as she was concerned her day was already ruined. "We need to go and apologise for causing him to be angry and that will make things all better. OK ?" She limply nodded her head again.
Mustering courage again I went down the steep slope holding Natasha's hand. I think more for my support than for hers.
I went up to the guy who is driving the pin into the tailbar unit, and aware that Natasha was looking on, I recalled the three points on forgiveness, said (Point 1) "Excuse me, I wish to apologise that my wife had to ring you so late last night. (Point 2) I'm sorry if we've caused you to be angry. (Point 3) Would you please forgive me?"
He looked to the sky throwing his hands in the air and exclaimed, "Oh no, don't tell me you're one of those religious nuts. That's all I need. Now _____ off and get out of my way".
So much for lesson number one.
Then I thought of a great strategy. I got the Hiab driver to talk to him.
They had this animated conversation for about five minutes. The logger kept looking my way. I reckon I'm dead meat. All of a sudden the two truckies are great mates.
The hiab driver came over and said, "He's agreed to move the trees when he's ready. Man, you've sure done something to upset him"
The hiab driver climbed back in his truck. The logger sat on a tree stump and began to sharpen his chainsaw. I'm sure he was keen to use it on me. After what seemed an eternity the logger began to clear away some of the debris. "At last", I say to myself.
I was pushing Natasha in the hammock when I heard the chainsaw start up again. After a while the chainsaw stopped and the logger yelled at me, "Come 'ere." If he'd said "Sit down" I wouldn't have even bothered looking for a chair. I was there in a flash. "Get your kid out of the way. This tree's comin' down." I began to walk back towards Natasha, when the chainsaw started up again. Before I got to Natasha there's a crrrrrrrr ....wooosh ... crash. A 30 foot pine tree fell to the ground about two feet away from me. I almost jumped out of my skin. Natasha screamed. I ran to her and gave her a soothing hug. Then I realised ... this guy was so skilled at his craft that he knew precisely where the tree would fall. He just wanted to put the jumps up me.
We finally got the shed loaded on the back of the truck. I tried once again to thank the logger but he really didn't want to know. So I wrote a note instead, wrapped it round some beer money and put it under the windscreen wiper on his 10 wheeler and got out of there.
It had been a difficult day. Driving back I thought about what had just taken place. I felt disappointed that I hadn't been able to get on with the guy. But it was a great time to talk to Natasha about it share some thoughts.
I decided also to share them with you - to give you something to think about - the guys in my men's breakfast group are also considering the importance to forgive. Firstly, nothing can chang
e what has happened - Undo the past. What's done is done - we have to move forward.
Forgiveness allows us to let go of the past, to experience peace. Remember, people do not become bitter overnight.
Do you know any people filled to the brim with resentment and bitterness ?
We are only responsible for our actions and not other people's reactions.
We need to ask forgiveness of those whom we have wronged. Take the initiative early. They may not want to be reconciled but that's their choice.
We need immediately to forgive others when they've wronged us - even when we don't feel like it.
When we choose to forgive we give up the right of punishment or to want something bad to happen to the other person. It means we no longer hold a private grudge.
It's said the longer you carry a grudge the heavier it gets.
The way we live and handle our relationships today will determine our attitude when we are in our sixties, seventies and eighties.
Twenty years from now you will be the person you are choosing to become today. Are you choosing to pull weeds of bitterness out of your life and plant seeds of forgiveness?
Copyright © Andy Bray
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